Zelda Interpretations
by Zakiu
Summary: How you can otherwise interpret the Legend of Zelda (Ocarina of Time). Rather pervy, so if you have a problem with that... I warned you


In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule, there lived a tree. It lived with lots of little kids, so in today's society he could be considered a child molester. Most of the little twerps had fairies, except one. So obviously, that guy has something wrong with him. The tree is prophetic, and can talk. It speaks to a fairy about a climate of evil descending upon the realm. How it knows this, no one is sure. Heck, It probably organized the whole thing and Ganon is just a pawn.

Anyway, he goes on to say how the Kokiri Forest is like some sort of judge by 'maintaining the order of the world.' Finally, the old barkhead admits that Ganon has gone out of control, probably rebelling against the Deku Tree's child molesting tendencies. So he decides to get rid of the boy without a fairy, talking about his 'destiny' and crap. In truth, no fairy wanted him because he was evil or something. So the Deku Tree forces the most annoying fairy possible, Navi, to be with the boy so he won't have to die alone in the confines of the Deku Tree's belly. And even if he escapes, Navi will annoy the boy so much that he would commit suicide. It was a brilliant plan.

Navi proves her stupidity and annoying capabilities by flying under some guys' legs, shouting to a hard-working dude and running head-first into a strategically placed fence. She then tells the boy to get up because the Great Deku Tree wants to see him. The boy doesn't feel like being molested today, so he rolls over. Then Navi makes obscene gestures at the boy until he can't take it anymore. When Navi introduces herself and says she is to be his partner, the people and N64 edited out the scenes of graphic violence and name-calling that took place with the butterfly net, the knife and the formaldehyde. Finally, Link gets ahold of himself and decides to run around frantically to find a sword and shield to protect himself from the Great Deku Tree. He would've run away, but one of the Deku Tree's molesting cronies is blocking the exit. When Link came out of his hut, a creepy girl named Saria runs up to him and says 'Hi!'. A smart Link would ignore her completely and run away. I mean, who knows how she got her hair that green???

After finding a pointy little knife, Link goes into a store to buy a shield. There is a creepy hooker-looking person on the roof that wants to talk to Link. No one knows how she got up there. It's scary to walk under her.

Once Link is armed and has braved boulders and the hooker-lady, he must talk to Mido, who doesn't want Link to go to the Deku tree because he's jealous that the Deku Tree 'actually summoned' him. You know that something's up when he asks, "Why would he summon you and not the Great Mido?" Then he exclaims, "You're not even fully equipped yet!" Then, he sees Link's 'sword' and 'shield'. Finally admitting defeat, he lets you in to see the Great Deku Tree.

After fighting some vicious plants, Link finally gets to see the hunk of bark. The Deku Tree somehow knows that Link hasn't been having good dreams. He says he knows this because of evil junk, but we all know he's been stalking Link. The Deku Tree says he's been cursed and wants Link to break the curse. Then he sends Link into his stomach, an odd request to be sure. Then he tells Link to listen to Navi. But we all know that it is mentally impossible for anyone to listen to Navi for too long. Surely, this is a suicide mission.

INSIDE THE DEKU TREE 

No one has been in here for quite some time. It's all cobwebby. Plus the whole place could use an exterminator and weed whacker, none of which is in Link's inventory. It's basically a bunch of bugs and overgrown weeds. Since this is the first dungeon, Navi takes it upon herself to tell Link everything he's known since he was little LITTLE Linkus. Basically how to open a door, use his eyes and push a block. The boss of the dungeon is 'Parasitic Armored Arachnid' Queen Gohma. Basically, she's a giant spider that lives in a nasty place. Then Link steps into a funny glowy light that brings him to the outside of the Deku Tree.

**AFTER THE DEKU TREE/BEFORE DODONGO'S CAVERN**

The Deku Tree says more junk that could be interpreted the wrong way, and then tells Link about a mean guy that's searching for the Sacred Realm. He goes on and on about three goddesses that are NAKED and how they created the world. Link gets really bored and sits down. The Great Deku Tree talks endlessly before he dies, so Link decides (in an edited scene) to shut him up and takes out his little knife and stabs the tree repeatedly. And people wonder why 'leaves' fall from the Deku Tree. Let's just say we don't want to know. But Linkus did shake them loose with all his stabbing. Finally the Deku Tree dies. All that Link really got out of that is to go see some princess with what looks suspiciously like an engagement stone. Well, and of course the hacking and slashing that comes with a violent death.

Mido gets all mad at Link for killing his sex partner and stalks off. The crony blocking the exit lets Link past, and on a weird bridge thing, Saria's waiting for him. She gives him an instrument that she claims is an ocarina, and when she's done jabbering, Link runs away and Saria stares after him wistfully.

Link finally gets away from Kokiri Forest, only to encounter an owl. Link has never really eaten owl. To think of it, Link has never really eaten anything... at least that WE know of. The owl does give Link directions to Hyrule Castle, where Princess Zelda lives. Link doesn't really care because he keeps imagining Keeopona on a spit, roasting over a fire. The owl finally leaves, and Link curses himself at not being able to get to it. Owls always perch in such high places.

If Linkus is fast enough, he'll get to Hyrule Castle Town before the bridge goes up. If he doesn't... HAHAHAHAHA poo on you. There he meets a girl chanting a cult song. When talked to, Link realizes that this girl is VERY perceptive. She notices that his clothes are different. Wow. Then Linkus tells her that he's a fairy boy from the forest. Then the girl (Malon) gives her name and tells him that her dad is the owner of Lon Lon Ranch. Link wonders if the farm does well and if he kidnapped Malon how much that would get him. But then Malon states that her dad's in the castle and Link realizes he probably won't be able to collect the ransom anytime soon. So he leaves Malon and goes to Hyrule Castle.

When there, he meets his meal of dreams, the owl. Once again, he is perched far too high for Link to get at him. Then he starts blabbing about time while Link sharpens his sword. The owl, realizing what Link is doing, quickly flies away, and Link grumbles about his missed opportunity.

Malon proves herself to be a stalker. She makes up some excuse about finding her dad, who she claims has probably fallen asleep. Privately, Link thinks that he was arrested. But he agrees, since it's always fun to taunt prisoners. Then, since Malon thinks this is a first date or something, she gives him an egg. Wow, how romantic. Then she goes back to singing in a voice that could wake the dead.

When Link has dodged the guards on the outside of the castle, he finds a tub of lard laying in the middle of the boxes. Link tries to cut him up into little pieces, but it doesn't work. Eventually, he finds use from the chicken that hatched from the egg. Link wished that the chicken wouldn't have hatched, that way he could break the egg on the fat guy's head and lose the chicken as well.

When the dude wakes up, he's terrified of Malon, who is apparently some sort of slave driver. I could turn that scene pretty nasty, but I'll leave that for Goron Village. Once in the Castle Courtyard, Link has a lot of fun. He realizes that if the throws one of those seed thingies with his slingshot into a window, a guard will come out and throw a bomb at him. Link has fun committing suicide and tries to get Navi to play as well. Link finds out that Princess Zelda is a peeping tom, and gets really surprised when he comes up behind her. Obviously she doesn't want people to know that the future ruler of Hyrule is a peeping tom. She asks how he gets past the guards, and what Link wants to say is that he killed them... but whatever. She obviously hasn't seen a fairy before, and Zelda and Navi really do get along well. Zelda somehow knows that Link's from the forest. She says it's because of a dream-prophecy, but we all know that, like the Deku Tree, she's been stalking Link. Then she blabs about the three naked golden people. Link gets really bored and this is really just an alternate scene to Link going crazy and trying to kill everyone he meets. Finally, he gets under control and looks through the window at Ganon. Zelda says that he's the dark element from her dream. Of course, what she really wants is the dark element and the light element to fight over her. She's such a trouble-maker.

When Link sees his competition, he doesn't know what to do. I mean, Ganon's got a horse and lots of cool black armor. Link only has a stupid fairy, blonde hair and blue eyes. Not that he really cares what happens to the peeping tom anyway...

Zelda refers to herself as the Triforce, and if Ganon obtained it, yeah, he could rule Hyrule. It's not really all that complicated. Let's just say we don't even WANT to know what the code name for the Ocarina of Time that Zelda said that she'd protect. It's not all that hard to guess anyway. She takes this opportunity to write Link a love letter. Link doesn't read it, though.

After Link runs away from Zelda, her big bodybuilding crony, Impa, decides to make an appearence. Impa decides to serenade Linkus with her not-so-pleasant voice. We learn that Zelda needs a lullaby to go to sleep at night... who knows what she's afraid of? Or what they're REALLY doing??? Personally, I don't want to. Anyway, once Link learns the melody, he blacks out... or more like whites out. We don't know what they did in the time elapsed. It could have been a murder attempt, a suicide attempt, but my guess was that they were both trying to kill Navi. Pity they didn't succeed.

Impa leaves Link outside of the castle, telling him about big adventures and where she grew up. Obviously, since Zelda's bodybuilding crony is from Kakiriko Village by Death Mountain, we have to go check it out. But not before going to visit Malon and Saria and listen to their vocal and ocarina talents... Link sure gets around, doesn't he?


End file.
